Tinder, gone but not forgotten

I deleted tinder this week πŸŽ‰

Not actually a big deal, I could technically start again in ten minutes. Admittedly a minor faff to scroll through my gallery and find photos without a toddler photobombing but I’m ready to make that commitment. It does delete all conversations and matches, so if I get dumped I will have to start fresh…but that is definitely no hardship. It is probably a bit weird to pop up in someone’s DMs after 9 months like ‘hey…so I’m single and can’t be bothered swiping again, how about it? πŸ™‹πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ’.

Note that I put ‘if I get dumped’. Partially because I’m a bit of a pessimist and always half feel like I could get surprise dumped out of nowhere any minute. And also because I’m aware quitting things is not my strong point.

I remember one metaphor where someone was trying to justify their cheating by saying some people get off the sinking ship early doors and hop on the little dingy and have a shit time in the cold for bit – other people wait for a better ship to come by and jump straight over.

And there are people like me…

(to any non-Titanic fans, this is me going down with the ship)

So I’m not sure when you are supposed to delete apps…but I have a phone addiction so deleting apps is hard. Tinder is quite an addictive combination of mindless phone scrolling, men and window shopping. But there are also a lot of fucking idiots on there, which is quite amusing.

I follow @tindertranslators on Instagram, she basically gets sent screenshots of twats profiles and ‘translates’ them. Plenty of funny ones on her profile but obviously I’m going to pick the cuntiest crapbag as the misandrist in me wants to see men destroyed by criticism:

If you wear clown like make up (which is 99% of girls on here), swipe left, I am not interested in dating clowns πŸ€·πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ

Plus, Snapchat filters are for people with an IQ below 70, lol.

Whores and single mums, basically whores too, swipe left, thanks πŸ€—

Obese, smokers, bad teeth, alcoholics, SWIPE LEFT

LGBTQWERTY idiots, feminists, leftists SWIPE LEFT

It all hurts your feelings? Like I care. Man up.

It may sound harsh, but, man, these women nowadays. I have to weed out the scum.

I would imagine all the women go happily swiping left as advised.

But here is the translation:

Just letting you know upfront that I’m a misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, body shaming, judgemental disgrace of a human being πŸ˜‰

So, you can swipe left instantly and never have to interact with me πŸ€— you’re welcome

This all may sound harsh, but you have to get rid of the scum.


So… I’m not exactly selling tinder as full of high quality men. But it’s by far the most popular app so there are loads of people to swipe through, which is fun as you can be super picky and not run out of men.

Plus I find low stakes dating really fun. They are strangers from the Internet, who gives a fuck what they think. You can be as weird as you want, zero fucks given.

And I feel like this is where being a married, single mum benefits me. I’ve done the wedding and baby thing, maybe there is time to do it again…maybe not. I don’t even know if I want to do it again, babies are fucking HARD WORK and I’m tired and weddings are also HARD WORK. I’ve seen the other side, it’s not a fairytale, Disney cuts screen after the wedding for a reason.

So I’m fairly on the fence now.

I do think that if I was 31, never married, no baby, I would be on some crazy ‘suitable man’ interview style hunt. Whereas now it is purely a zero stakes, just for fun, whatever happens happens kind of thing. I highly recommend the mindset.

I was using dating apps less than four months, limited childcare availability for dates meant I only went on five first dates so I’m definitely not an expert. But I did enjoy it.

However it is way more difficult when you are a single mother. I currently just have Sundays when I’m child free and work free, which is clearly the shittest day to go on a date. Everyone is sober, maybe you go for a drink – at best I got a steak pie. However the problem is no one is drunk. I highly recommend aiming for the opportunity to get a bit drunk if at all possible.

I know some people have rules, whether to mention the kids on the profile, when to drop it in conversation if not, when to have them in your house etc

(just as an aside so many men say some variant of ‘I have a kid but he quite likes his mum so I’m not looking for a mummy replacement, ok’ as if the women of the world are queueing up to parent your kid who you probably only see on a Sunday afternoon a few times a month anyway CALM THE FUCK DOWN)

Very initially I put the ‘has children’ tickbox down on my profile. Then someone pointed out I was potentially advertising my children to paedophiles doing online shopping and I felt like an idiot / terrible mother. But I really can’t be arsed with chatting to someone who doesn’t want a woman with kids so I try to drop it in conversation fairly early on but trying to avoid the ‘HI, I HAVE A CHILD, HOW ARE YOU?!’ weirdness.

I’m a pessimist and thought I would have a high ghost rate after dropping it in conversation. One guy asked me out early on and I hadn’t had chance to mention it so had to do a ‘sure, I can get childcare that day’ sort of thing and got swiftly unmatched but that only happened once. A couple of guys said they weren’t interested as they had past experiences with women with children and it isn’t their thing…which is fair enough. But on the whole people were pretty cool about it, which was a pleasant surprise.

I won’t bore the internet with the details of my first date and everything that happened since but it was just a fun evening. We had some beers, I was a bit drunk so required some form of carbs and we ended up in a Thai place and ordered a whole load of deep fried starters and nothing else. I inappropriatley started quoting the creepiest things that my colleagues had taught me from urban dictionary (definitely following the be as weird as you like, but make sure they are drunk, philosophy). And had so much fun I missed the last train home to my station then nearly missed the last train home to any station.

But no sex, as I had to go home to my baby. I fully agree with the fuck someone when you want to fuck them idea. I think the internet is polluted with rules based on some sexist idea that men just want sex and women just want relationships so women have to withold the sex until they get the relationship. Fuck that.

If someone doesn’t want to be with me because I am too willing to have sex then that is an excellent misogyny filter to ensure you don’t end up in a relationship with a fool. My advice is if you want to fuck someone, fuck them. And fuck them as soon as you want to fuck them (childcare allowing) because life is too short. SEX FOR EVERYONE πŸŽ‰

Now the bit after the first few dates is where it gets tricky for single parents. Some people have an x number of months rule for meeting new partners, some people just play it by ear, some do it really early on and hope their kids don’t question the ‘friend’ having sleepovers.

I guess it’s a question of how stupid you think your kids are. My daughter was not much over a year so I assumed very stupid.

I basically waited until I had seen him enough times to be comfortable with him in my house and then he would come over when Emily was asleep. Sometimes he would leave before she was awake, sometimes we would be up at the crack of dawn and ready for the day before he was up and joined us for breakfast. Which I figured to a one year old feels not much different to a friend popping over for coffee. She couldn’t open her bedroom door so there was no chance of her walking in on us or knowing that he was in the house until breakfast so I will assume it won’t be a topic of conversation in future counselling sessions.

It sounds all quite chill and easy. Not so. The first time we had a date at my house I made dinner, a beef brisket thing in the slow cooker as obviously dinner prep time also coincides with bath time/bedtime. Then he came over and we had a nice dinner and chat then a leisurely cheese board and wine after.

My bear woke up, this is fine and no problem as she normally settles after ten minutes or so. Clearly the first night he came over she just did not settle. I managed to be downstairs for about 2-5 minutes each time the monitor screeched again. In the end we had to give up and say goodbye, the chance of me getting away for long enough to have a conversation, let alone everything else I had planned, was pretty low.

I felt pretty crappy at that point. I joined the dating world with pretty low hopes for managing to date as a singe mother of a baby and I felt like the evening was proving it wouldn’t work. I was thinking what a shit date it was for him spending so long chilling on his own with his phone waiting for me. I presumed it was over and he wouldn’t be arsed with it and felt pretty sorry for myself.

Nearly nine months later it turns out it didn’t put him off. However I can say he has spent far too long hanging around waiting for me to come back out of the baby bedroom.

I’m working with wake ups every 2 hours or so through the night. But that’s an average of 2 hours, sometimes it’s 2 hours, sometimes 20 minutes – that’s the spontaneous fun of dating with a tiny person at home! You never know when you next need to dash off to cuddle a small person to sleep. And when I say dash I mean dash, I never keep her waiting more than a minute or two – so whatever is going on… It’s getting paused.

I get that I’m a pretty shit person to date. It’s a frustrating situation. I’ve had two evenings away from her…ever. So date options are limited and dates at home are interrupted. I basically just have my Sundays where half of my attention isn’t elsewhere. As she hasn’t had an overnight away from me it also means I can’t have any of the mini breaks or nice hotel stays you get to enjoy in the early stages of a new ‘thing’ with someone. (I feel like ‘thing’ is less likely to jinx it than relationship)

Dating as a single parent has lots of difficulties, but it’s also lots of fun and I imagine is a good dickhead filter. If someone is on the fence about you they will likely be put off by the inconveniences of having to balance parenting with dating. And if you are on the fence about them you probably just can’t be arsed with the effort of it and will choose wine and sofa over their company.

So for now, and who knows how long, I’m off tinder. No more window shopping for my personal amusement at their ridiculous profiles. Until my phone addiction is cured I’ll be making do with the hilarious piss taking of @tindertranslators and the painfully cringey @beam_me_up_softboi available on the time sapping, envy inducing, cruel mistress that is Instagram (phone addiction withdrawal obviously not going well)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s